FADED
by lisek16
Summary: All Sydney wants to do is fade away but her ghosts haunt her. Please R


Author's note:: something angsty this way comes R&R  
  
FADED  
  
The pain set in after I was released. At first I forgot. Then I was shocked. Eventually I couldn't go on. For some sick twisted reason I'm still an active agent for SD-6. They wouldn't recuse me if I was in critical condition. They are determined to destroy my life. I'm sure of it.  
  
What the hell do they expect me to do when I can't force myself to wake up? I can't pretend that it was all a dream (more like a nightmare) because I saw his face. I saw his fading image. I saw Vaughn fade away into the depths of dismal death.  
  
Francie thinks my heart is broken. She doesn't understand why my employers can't see that I need time to mend. She thinks I'm still crushed about Danny… I mourned for him and I fought a loosing battle; a loosing battle that I'm paying for still. If I hadn't wanted to avenge Danny's death, Vaughn would be alive. He could be doing anything he wanted with anyone. But the curse prevailed. 'Men troubles', Francie calls it. I call it the wretched curse of Sydney Bristow. My wrath…My curse on the men in my life. Danny…Noah….Vaughn…Will. I can't forget that I've destroyed Will's life too. I hurt my father. I think the curse has even affected Sloane and all the other SD-6 men.  
  
As for my 'broken heart' though. I know who it needs. I know who it pines away for. Vaughn. It's always been Vaughn. His death is the reason for my tears or 'broken heart' as Francie refers to it…  
  
But what the hell does Arvin Sloane know about a broken heart? He ordered my Fiancé dead. He ordered his own wife killed (he doesn't think I know about that…but I know about all his shit!) Emily and Danny were good people. Strike that! They were GREAT people; with honesty spilling from their finger tips.  
  
Arvin Sloane…he calls me once a week…. "When are you coming back Sydney?" 'When Hell freezes over' I think. I say "soon" though. My father stands besides me and orders feigned happiness. He knows I'm not in control. I lost my composure when I lost Vaughn.  
  
I stopped crying last week. I gave up. I stopped fighting the pain. Now I wallow. I sit around in my pajamas and stare at my face in the mirror. 'This is the last thing Vaughn saw' I think. What a way to die…My putrid image floating through his mind. That is of course if he thought of me before he faded.  
  
As my luck continues to patronize me…I continue to ruin the lives of those few who stayed to support me. Weiss…Devlin….my father…Francie  
  
That's it. There are only four people in this world that care for me and I can't trust anyone of them. You see Arvin cares….but he's twisted. He doesn't count. Dixon cared…until he thought I was a traitor. He didn't report me…but if he did… I might have been happier.   
  
Everyday Francie tries to comfort me. She doesn't know what to say and I don't know what I need to hear. She thinks Will is undercover is Europe. My father falsified the information so that no one would become suspicious. The truth is tough that Will has become just another corpse because of me….  
  
Weiss doesn't say he hates me…but I can tell he resents me. It's my fault Vaughn decided to go against the agency. He took a different path then his father….but ended up in the same place.  
  
Devlin stick by me because he knows he should. My father might have influenced him. Who even knows? I sure don't.  
  
I stopped having the answers to all the questions long ago. I mean how can I be all-knowing if everything I touch becomes distorted.  
  
Faded too.   
  
Can't forget faded.   
  
Like a shirt that was washed one too many times…everything fades.  
  
Vaughn faded…  
  
My friends faded…  
  
My soul…  
  
My heart…  
  
My conviction.  
  
My passion.  
  
Everything that made me different is gone.  
  
And has been gone for a long time.  
  
It's my entire fault and yet I'm too traumatized to move on.  
  
If Vaughn was here He'd see me for who I am. Who I have become. A coward. A coward who deserved to be the one to perish.  
  
So here I sit. In front of the mirror. My tan has faded away. My make-up has long been washed off. I sit here and see who I have become. Maybe who I've been all along… I see a side of me that I typically repress…the scared, pathetic, worthless side of Sydney Bristow.  
  
As I stare at my face long and hard….day after day….I'm long past seeing the physical and emotional flaws…I see the deep rooted mental ones. Maybe this reclusion isn't healthy…but who ever said being a spy was healthy. This has to be more normal then killing ex-boyfriends, lying to friends, making reckless decisions and having the men in your life fade away.  
  
I'm pretty sure this is how NORMAL things for me can be….  
  
Thanks again mom…I love this life. I'll be sure to send u a thank you card…  
  
Faded….I fade into reclusion and wait the daily calls where I pretend everything is hunky-dory. I fade a little more everyday…and eventually I fade into hell…or maybe I'm already there.  
  
Please….don't cry for me…cry for those who died because of me. Pity those whose lives were destroyed. Offer solace to somebody who deserves it. I deserve nothing. Only misery…  
  
That's my legacy.  
  
My destiny  
  
My past  
  
My future  
  
That's why I choose to fade away and wallow in a sea of misery….  
  
*****As the waves crash I drown,  
Because the pain surrounds….  
It's gotten harder to lie,  
I've given up…why try?  
I know it's real…  
I know it's true…  
I know because of him…  
My heart has broken. ****  
  
I started writing poetry. Isn't it nice? Sick and sad…all rolled into poetic prose. Diction…Damn it! I've turned into Emily Dickinson…except I'm pretty sure she never had her friends executed. I'm sure she didn't work for a covert government agency….though I could be wrong.  
I seem to be wrong a lot these days!!  
  
  
-Author's note:: the poem in the stars was written by me for this piece- 


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